Brief Banter By Ben

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Support Question

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a
virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they
caused severe damage to my hardware.

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had
to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my
available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse
2003.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in
Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can,
without warning, Launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no
Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be
reinstalled every other week.

Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.
These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me
That they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to
my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother- In-Law,
which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2004, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects Mistress 2004, it tends to delete all of your Money files before
uninstalling itself. Any ideas?

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.
He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man
with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

So this Irishman Shayne, had been drinking at his local pub all day and
most of the night.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Shane".

Shane replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Shayne gets up from his
chair and steps forward. He falls flat on his face.

"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by a stool and dusts himself off. He
takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the
doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get
some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up
the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of
fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He
falls flat on his face.

"I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors
down, and crawls to the door, shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door
and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to
the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He
crawls forward, drags himself up by the sheets finally says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Shayne. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Shane says, "I did Mary. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called, you left your wheelchair at the pub"!

ADSLguide: Registration Data for Rudgwick

1. Coffee (n), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v), to give up hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v), to attempt an explanation when drunk..
5. Willy-nilly (adj), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), an olive flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n), a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

some of these facts are quite interesting!

Coca-Cola was originally green.

*The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

*The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

*The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

*TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row ! of the keyboard.

*Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

*You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

*It is impossible to lick your elbow.

*People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

*It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

*The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

*If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

*Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

Spades - King David

Clubs - Alexander the Great,

Hearts - Charlemagne

Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

*If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

*If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle

*If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

*What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?

Ans. - All invented by women.

*A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

*A snail can sleep for three years.

*All polar bears are left handed.

*American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

*Butterflies taste with their feet.

*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

*In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

*On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

*Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

*Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

*The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

*The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

*The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

*Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

*Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

*Most lipstick contains fish scales.

*Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

******And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!~!!!

Although this joke's been around in many guises over the years, it still brings a smile. This version was sent in by Chris, writing from England:

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, and jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS AIRLINES: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.

MAC AIRWAYS: Tickets are expensive. The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

LINUX EXPRESS: Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.

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Via Tom & Mo in Spain.
Follow this link and read the instructions