Brief Banter By Ben

The Seattle Times: Nation & World: Boeing-designed test jet sets record, hitting 5,000 mph: "Boeing-designed test jet sets record, hitting 5,000 mph "

I have just been told that there is a web site that holds everyones passport details. Anyone can access it and get hold of other peoples passport details - which is a major worry in terms of identity fraud and DPA.

I have just accessed it and deleted my details - suggest that you do the same

Log on to: Passport Information

A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns - stones flying and passengers gasping. Finally, he finds an incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and, thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.

"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our way!"

The systems engineer said "maybe we should consult with the manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the problem."

The software engineer said "why don't we get back in and see if it happens again?"

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

" Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, " Would you please take your seat so we can leave ?"

" Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, " they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

" I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

" There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back, all blacked out, as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

" Please slow down, Your Holiness !!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

" Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

" I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

" So bust him," said the Chief.

" I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

" No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, " Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop:" Bigger."

Chief:" Governor ?"

Cop:" Bigger."

" Well," said the Chief,"Who is it ?"

Cop: " I think it's God!"

Chief:" What makes you think it's God?"

Cop:" He's got the Pope for a limo driver!

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

"What about if yer din't use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for £70" said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40" said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only £5 in that case" said the dentist.

"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "I'm sorry officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That 's an automatic £75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F--K UP?!"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

WAIT FOR IT............






WAIT FOR IT............






WAIT FOR IT . . . . ....... . . . . . . . . . . .







"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at
night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

There's a malicious worm being spread right now; it masquerades as a message from an isp--- verizon, aol,and others; even from me ("Dear user of Langa.com gateway e-mail server,..." or something similar).

The email usually contains a password-protected Zip file, with instructions on how to open it.

DO NOT OPEN THE FILE!It's not really from me--- or Verizon, or AOL, or whomever. Those "From" addresses and other headers are faked, but very convincingly: the worm is quite clever.

But the file is a trojan designed to infect your system. The worm-writers placed the file in a password-protected file to try to hide from some anti-virus tools.

Don't be fooled: JUST DELETE THE FILE AND THE EMAIL.

Boudreaux, out on the golf course, gets hit wit a high speed ball right in de crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to de ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to Doctor Thibodeaux and ask,

"How bad is it, Doc? I'm gonna be on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way."

Doctor Thibodeaux tol him, "I'll have to put your ting in a splint to let it get better and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week. "
So he took four tongue depressors, make a neat little four-sided bandage and wired it all together, an impressive work of art for Dr. Thibodeaux.

Boudreaux mentions none of this to his Clotile, marries and goes on his honeymoon to New Orleans.

Dat night, in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of knockers.

Dis was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips off his pants and says, "Look at dis! It's still in de CRATE!"

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.