Brief Banter By Ben

The Museum of Unworkable Devices

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Children were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

My goldfish died. Why? (Katie age 5)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Callie Jordan writes:

I found this mouse-click game. You shoot a tranquilizing dart if a sheep makes a dash from the flock, and they rate your reaction time. They suggest a cup of coffee if you aren't fast enough. Fortunately, they claim "no sheep were harmed in the making of this game":

Test your reaction time

Maim That Tune - Detune your head
Are you plagued by Stuck Tune Syndrome? Do you have a tune stuck in your head you just can't get out? Take heart friend, for your suffering is over.

The Maimograph Machine, through complex analysis and calculation, will find an even catchier tune to counter-act the one you already have.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the ways computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the automotive industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we should all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon”.

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: “ If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:


1. for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day;
2. every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car;
3. occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen all the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this;
4. occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine;
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would only run on five percent of the roads;
6. the oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light;
7. the airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying;
8. occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna;
9. every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car;
10. you’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

Larvatus Prodeo � Great Swedish Ideas #56789: "Not only did they invent modern social democracy, the Swedes have continued to innovate in the fight for lefty goodness. The latest Swedish idea?"