Brief Banter By Ben

884130 - Programs that are known to experience a loss of functionality when they run on a Windows XP Service Pack 2-based computer

Please read this before you are tempted to install SP2.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him ... what? (This is so bad it's good...) a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

In early days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs", therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression. "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

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As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year! (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig". Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

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In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man)would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man". Today in business we use the expression or title "Chairman or "Chairman of the Board."

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Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile". Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression "losing face."

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Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."

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Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "ace of spades". To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

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Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there". The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

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At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint- and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts", hence the term "minding your "P's and Q's".

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ALSO: bet you didn't know this!!!! In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem... how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey". (And all this time, you thought that was an improper - expression, didn't you?)

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You must send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to at least ten unsuspecting friends. If you don't, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and kill your mouse.

Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.00 apiece on those littlebottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea .... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me .... they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down)




First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


Scroll down for answer..


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!




Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.




Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?



Scroll down for answer..


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
(If you lap them! Ed)


You're not very good at this! are you?



Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?



Scroll down for answer..


Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?




Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?


Scroll down for answer..


Answer: Nunu?

NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Okay, now the bonus round . . .


There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.


Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?




He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple

Go to Google and type "weapons of mass destruction" - should send you to
Cannot find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Type "elgooG" into your google search engine and you should arrive here!
elgooG

preparingforemergencies.co.uk

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ Liverpudlians. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by the Ferrari management but as most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.


However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouser pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower."