31 October 2005
In flu endsor ( Via Neil)
The Christmas Turkey has expired, prematurely!
29 October 2005
BBC NEWS | Technology | Net users told to get safe online
24 October 2005
From Fred Langa's Newsletter
I don't even remember where I first found this, but it's am almost canonical list of all the "laws" (like "Murphy's Law"), famous and obscure, that have been kicked around:
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Army Laws: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, pick it up. If you can't pick it up, paint it.
Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Bartz's Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch's Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Basic Law of Construction: Cut it large and kick it into place.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Benchley's Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.
Boling's Postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boren's Laws of the Bureaucracy: 1. When in doubt, mumble. 2. When in trouble, delegate. 3. When in charge, ponder.
Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Bralek's Rule for Success: Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do when things go wrong.
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Cannon's Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.
Cardinal Conundrum: An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.
Character and Appearance Law: People don't change; they only become more so.
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases: 1. “It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time.” 2. “It is possible, but it is not worth doing.” 3. “I said it was a good idea all along.”
Clarke's Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Cleveland's Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
Clyde's Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
Cohen's Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Colvard's Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen, or it won't.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology: 1. No action is without side-effects. 2. Nothing ever goes away. 3. There is no free lunch.
Cooper's Law: All machines are amplifiers.
Dieter's Law: The food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
Displaced Hassle Principle: To beat the bureaucracy, make your problem their problem.
Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough, you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Dykstra's Law: Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Edelstein's Advice: Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Ehrlich's Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ettorre's Observation: The other line moves faster. Corollary: Don't try to change lines. The other line -- the one you were in originally -- will then move faster.
Farber's Third Law: We're all going down the same road in different directions
Finagle's Laws of Information: 1. The information you have is not what you want. 2. The information you want is not what you need. 3. The information you need is not what you can obtain. 4. The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.
Finnigan's Law: The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
(more in the next issue)
22 October 2005
BBC NEWS | Technology | Spyware 'rampant' in UK computers
21 October 2005
The following domains are real. (another from Neil)
Firstly there is Who Represents? - a database for agencies to the rich and
famous. They have put the 'R' in upper case realising there error.
www.whorepresents.com
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try:
www.therapistfinder.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South
Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com
20 October 2005
The Best Blond Joke Ever (via newly married Neil)
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm – wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
To hear her response to the question "How many D's are in Indiana Jones?"
Click here to hear!
19 October 2005
How do these people survive? (via Mac)
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the barcode she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK,"and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. No! I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had a temp who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid!
16 October 2005
Wreck Fishing 2005
07 October 2005
Corny Joke (via Gerald)
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries bout being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he cameclose to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.........
.. I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian".
05 October 2005
Fantastic Remedy (via Liz)
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished ...
and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel!
You must pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
Mr Q xx
02 October 2005
It must be a real delicacy in India.... (via Mac)
01 October 2005
New Christmas Card from the Met (via Neil Bailey)
Christmas is over, prematurely!
