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28 September 2006

A Trio from Chris Uttley 

A Night Out

Three women went to Mexicoone night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and asked if she has any last words. She said, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They threw the switch and nothing happened. They immediately fell to the floor on their knees; begging for her forgiveness, and released her.

The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They threw the switch and, again, nothing happened. They fell to their knees; begged for her forgiveness, and released her.

The last one, a blonde, was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the University of Arkansas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE.... 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Old People Roc

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS??

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway Next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was Plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few Minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," and then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does, though."

Comments:
What is straw, Bro
ther Cawdor?
hydrocodone bitartate
 
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