22 December 2003

Christmas Cake - A fine recipe indeed - it works for me! 

1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup of white granulated sugar
1 tsp. Table Salt
1 cup of brown demerara sugar
juice of 1 large lemon
4 large free range eggs
mixed nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
2 x 1 litre bottles of good quality Whisky

Sample the Whisky to test quality. Take a large mixing bowl, check the
Whisky again. To be absolutely sure of Whisky quality, pour one level
cup full and drink down in one. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one
cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar, beat, make
sure the Whisky is still OK. Try another cup full. Turn off the mixerer,
break two leggs, add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the
turner. (If the fried druit gets stuck in the mixerer beatrerers, pry it
loose with a drewscriver). Sample the scotch for tonsiticity. Next, sift two
cups of salt, or something, who giveshz a monkies anyhow? Check the scotch,
sift the lemon juice and strain your nutsh. Add one table. Add whatever you
can find in the cupboard, greash the oven and pish in the fridge. Turn the
cake tin 360 defrees, don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl
out of the flipping window, chech the scotch bottle until empaty, pish off to

And a Crappy Isthmus to you all.

So tired or WORK  

tired..... so tired....

I'm tired. Yes, I'm tired. For several years I've been blaming it on Teen Age, poor circulation, air pollution, dieting, under arm odour, hormones, lack of vitamins, yellow build up in the corners of my eyes, and a dozen other maladies that make you wonder if life is worth living. But I found it isn't any of that at all. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

If the population of this country is 51 million, and 21 million are retired. That leaves 30 million to do the work. There are 19 million in school, that leaves 11 million to do the work. 2 million are unemployed and 4 million are employed by the Government. That leaves 5 million to do the work. 1 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 4 million to do the work.

3 million are employed by County and Borough Councils, leaving 1 million to do the work. There are 620,000 people in hospitals and 379,998 in prison, which leaves just TWO people to do the work. YOU and me!! And you're sitting on your are$e reading this! It's no wonder I'm so tired.


There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.


11 December 2003

The Brothers (via Gerald) 

Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.

The first brother said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house for her."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

I happened to meet this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him.

I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple. Let me tell you it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank-you notes to her sons.

She wrote:

Milton: The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have
to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.

Marvin: I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought was good. Thanks.

Menachim: You give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.

Dearest Phil: You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.

The *Only* Sure Way To Stop Spam 

Copied from Fred Langa's latest Langalist.

With the holiday season here, the level of spam is going through the roof. This reader has correctly identified the one and only way to stop spam for good--- and it's not a filter, not legislation, and not anything exotic at all:

Hi Fred! I hear more and more news about stopping spam; Filters, programs, and legislation. I read about Yahoo's idea to use message authentication to stop unwanted email. I am concerned that the laws are completely un-enforceable, either due to loopholes or simply the capabilities of the technology. I am worried that additional security / authentication will increase cost and decrease performance. Too much security and authentication will stifle the medium.

IMHO, there is one way guaranteed to stop spam. We need to get the public to STOP BUYING THE CRAP IT ADVERTISES!

Spam is so cheap to send, one paying customer covers the advertiser's cost for millions of emails. If we could just get everyone to ignore it, and not buy anything from the spammers, it really would go away. As soon as it is not profitable, it will cease to exist.

We need a public service campaign that starts out "Let's face it, 100% of the stuff offered by spam-mail is utter CRAP. There is no miracle weight loss formula. No herbal remedy is going to make this part longer or that part fuller..." Advocate that people make a simple personal rule "If it was advertised in an [unasked-for] email, don't buy it." Period. Ever. If it really sounds like a product you can't live without or it's a great deal, search for it on Yahoo [or Google]. If the maker is actually trying to sell the product, they'll have a web presence [and you can buy it there, rather than in reply to the spam mail]. Just my 2 cents. Take care! ---Matt Lavigne

Matt is right. Spam exists because it works, simple as that. Some percentage of people *do* respond to spam offers, and that's more than enough to keep the spammers in business.

When you get spammail, just delete it. Don't reply to be "removed" from their list. (It doesn't work.) Don't send back a fake "bounce" or "bad address" message. (It only helps spammers make their mailings more cost efficient.) In fact don't do anything: Just delete the email, preferably unread. That--- and only that--- ensures that the spammer has just wasted a little money on you.

If enough people do this--- if enough people force spammers to waste a little money--- then the economics of spam will change, and it will no longer be lucrative. When spammers no longer can make easy money by spamming, they'll stop and move on to the next scam.

Good spam filters can help you sort the spam for easy deletion. Good legislation can help apply pressure to the spammers where they live. But the ultimate solution to spam is to make it unprofitable.

Do your part to help drive the spammers out of business. Take the pledge: Never, ever, buy *anything* you see spamvertised!

09 December 2003

A Guide to Healthy Eating 

Who can argue with this evidence - there again would you want to?

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, green leafy
vegetables). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy
your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! "It's the
best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets. Have a biscuit... flour is a veggie! One more thing "When
life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and the salt."

Rudgwick Broadband is achievable! 

Trigger level: 300
Pre-registrations: 293

If you haven't pre-registered then register using this link:
Broadband in Rudgwick, West Sussex, UK, Local Internet

To see a graph of pre-registrations then use this link:
ADSLguide: Registration Data for Rudgwick

04 December 2003

Abdul Abulbul Amir et al 

A conversation with Jules in the Fox prompted this posting ~ don't ask......

The sons of the Prophet are brave men and bold
And quite unaccustomed to fear,
But the bravest by far in the ranks of the Shah,
Was Abdul Abulbul Amir.

If you wanted a man to encourage the van,
Or harass the foe from the rear,
Storm fort or redoubt, you had only to shout
For Abdul Abulbul Amir.

Now the heroes were plenty and well known to fame
In the troops that were led by the Czar,
And the bravest of these was a man by the name
Of Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

One day this bold Russian, he shouldered his gun
And donned his most truculent sneer,
Downtown he did go where he trod on the toe
Of Abdul Abulbul Amir.

Young man, quoth Abdul, has life grown so dull
That you wish to end your career?
Vile infidel, know, you have trod on the toe
Of Abdul Abulbul Amir.

So take your last look at the sunshine and brook
And send your regrets to the Czar
For by this I imply, you are going to die,
Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

Then this bold Mameluke drew his trusty skibouk,
Singing, "Allah! Il Allah! Al-lah!"
And with murderous intent he ferociously went
For Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

They parried and thrust, they side-stepped and cussed,
Of blood they spilled a great part;
The philologist blokes, who seldom crack jokes,
Say that hash was first made on the spot.

They fought all that night neath the pale yellow moon;
The din, it was heard from afar,
And huge multitudes came, so great was the fame,
Of Abdul and Ivan Skavar.

As Abdul's long knife was extracting the life,
In fact he was shouting, "Huzzah!"
He felt himself struck by that wily Calmuck,
Count Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

The Sultan drove by in his red-breasted fly,
Expecting the victor to cheer,
But he only drew nigh to hear the last sigh,
Of Abdul Abulbul Amir.

There's a tomb rises up where the Blue Danube rolls,
And graved there in characters clear,
Is, "Stranger, when passing, oh pray for the soul
Of Abdul Abulbul Amir."

A splash in the Black Sea one dark moonless night
Caused ripples to spread wide and far,
It was made by a sack fitting close to the back,
Of Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

A Muscovite maiden her lone vigil keeps,
'Neath the light of the cold northern star,
And the name that she murmurs in vain as she weeps,
Is Ivan Skavinsky Skavar.

-- Percy French

OR try this for a slighly different version with the tune:
Ballad of Ivan Petrofsky Skevar

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